Move On
Forget the blame game and go forward in life
By Ron Ciancutti
My wife and I are often amused at some evening television that involves troubled adults who just can’t settle with their childhoods and the way their parents screwed up their lives. From the “unable to commit” daughter with father issues to the overbearing son with confidence issues, parents always seem to be held accountable for everything that went wrong. And, certainly, for many reasons they should be blamed for some of it, but in my mind I find I need to simply tuck the pain away and move forward. Parents usually try to do the best they can.
Photo: © Can Stock Photo / goldenKBw
I mean, don’t you find some adults who still wallow in the causes of their own “pain and suffering” are unable to get their kids to soccer practice or gymnastics on time? The kids are often chewing fast food as they get out of the car. It seems that one of the “crimes” their parents’ parents committed was letting them sleep in or skip a game or practice if the kids just didn’t feel like playing that day. So, punctuality can be blamed on parents, too. However, the impacted kid can roll it either way:
“My parents let me slide on everything.”
“They should have been tougher with me.”
“They were so understanding and fun.”
Depending on the outcome, parents are blamed or appreciated, see? It’s so easy to manipulate fault.
No Excuses
What I recall was my parents rarely letting me win those kinds of contests. I had to practice my drums, and my sisters had to complete their piano lessons. I had to go to catechism for religious instruction until I made my confirmation and was then able to choose my own way. As a ball player, I never was allowed to miss practice, and if I came home blaming a loss on the umpire, I was swiftly reprimanded. No excuses like that were ever tolerated. When I was just learning to play golf with my dad, I missed a putt and threw my club down. He made me sit out the next hole until I got a grip on my attitude.
So, depending on which side we are sitting, parents are too strict or too lackadaisical when it comes to discipline and rules. It’s a “can’t-win” dilemma. They are too close and over-supportive or just the opposite—not supportive enough and too caught up in their own agenda. Does it begin to sound a little too convenient? I think so, too. The bottom line is there will always be someone to blame for everything, but until we stop blaming that someone or something, we will never persevere and conquer the things that challenge us.
The word of the day here is “despite.”
“Despite the pain, I finished the race.”
“Despite the biased officiating, I struck him out.”
“Despite the home-team advantage, we hung in there and won.”
“Despite my parents’ ugly divorce, I went on to have a successful marriage.”
So, now that we have “slain a personal dragon” and gotten on with life, we need to live in the image we have created. I have become a kind and generous father and a loving and supportive husband; I need to see that this character is the one I am truly known to be.
Down To A Memory Or Two
Did we ever stop and think about what is said of those who have passed on? Unless a famous person discovered something or endured something, we only remember an unimportant, odd, passing story or two.
“Ah, James was a good guy. He could drink a whole bottle of cola without stopping to burp.”
“Remember how Mom could peel a whole apple without breaking the skin once?”
“I’ll never forget the time Grandpa sneezed at Julia’s wedding toast and his teeth fell out.”
“Mrs. Goodwin always offered me lemonade when I finished cutting her grass.”
These are hardly history-making memories, but they reveal how important our time on earth really is. I gaze at Frank Sinatra’s or Nat King Cole’s tombstone and think of all the lives they touched by their music and those humble plaques that now sit sentry on their cemetery world.
Be Passionate
There is a concept we all should embrace that begins with simple humility. We must admit that the world will go on without us; we shouldn’t expect our ideas to be carried out without us. This is why we should push things to their very peak (with NO EXCUSES) while we are alive to see them through. The spirit we require to initiate a new idea must be maintained or it will surely lose momentum. This is akin to how enthusiastic we are on day one of a diet and exercise program and totally not into it on day two. Sustaining that drive and spirit is absolutely essential in getting our ideas developed.
How do we sustain that enthusiasm?
How do we ensure that the idea won’t die on the vine?
The answer is bred of life’s lessons. We must fall in love with an idea. Just like the relationship that brought us to the most emotional, inspirational moments of our life, we cannot champion that winning idea without unwavering commitment that comes from the heart. Think about the lengths we went to to be with our significant other. If we were told we couldn’t see each other, we would go through hell and high water to ensure we could. It has to be that much—an obsession, an absolute draw to engage, test, and perfect an idea. Ford’s automobile, Edison’s lightbulb, Bell’s telephone—all were magnificent obsessions to their creators. So, go ahead and invent that widget, pursue the essay that’s going to change the world, write the speech everyone needs to hear; but to make it happen, fall in love with it. Only then will we experience the freedom that comes with stepping out of the shadows of childhood, where damage may have been done or excuses formed. No more looking back. Move forward without the burdens that limit ideas and growth.
Ron Ciancutti worked in the parks and recreation industry since he was 16 years old, covering everything from maintenance, operations, engineering, surveying, park management, design, planning, recreation, and finance. He is now retired. He holds a B.S. in Business from Bowling Green State University and an M.B.A. from Baldwin Wallace University. He is not on Facebook, but he can be reached at ron@northstarpubs.com.