What Works Best For You
It’s all that really matters
By Ron Ciancutti
One of the most dangerous phrases in the English language is “supposed to.” Its equivalent in any other language is probably equally potent. It is usually followed by another phrase that is the “qualifier,” if you will.
• I’m supposed to work on that. It will look good on my resume.
• We’re supposed to save every penny. That’s why we never take a vacation,
• I’m supposed to drink this kale-and-whey milkshake for better health.
• I’m supposed to back down in arguments. It will save the stress of fighting.
And the most dangerous one of all:
• I’m supposed to do that because it will be good for me.
If I had the ability to consider how many times I did something because someone said it would be “good for me,” and measure if it truly came out in my favor, I think the list would look like this:
• Don’t touch that hot pan.
• Don’t drink that milk; it is spoiled.
• Don’t cry over losing a Little League baseball game.
Other than that short list, the things that were supposedly “good for me” typically turned out to be moderately helpful for me and good for someone else.
You see, “supposed to” sets up a certain sense of obligation in your mind. Once someone has imposed that factor in the story, you begin to operate on automatic pilot. In that mode, sometimes you neglect to modify that which you are supposed to be doing because the task has already been so strictly assigned in your mind that you feel powerless to alter it.
A Steady Diet Of Suggestions
I suffer from a few intestinal irregularities and have tried every treatment and endured every test you can possibly imagine in an effort to remedy the problem. I have great doctors who have certainly reduced and managed my discomfort over the years, but people who are close to me are always suggesting the newest approach or referring me to the newest study. I follow up on every suggestion, and as I read through the proposals, I always stumble upon the “supposed to” part of each remedy.
• I should eat vegetables.
• I shouldn’t eat vegetables.
• I should not eat red meat.
• I should eat all red meat.
• I should swim and only eat apples and milk until noon each day.
• I should not eat after 6 p.m., but have eight glasses of water (which then involves processing water all night, which interferes with getting eight hours of sleep—yet another recommendation).
These suggestions all culminate in my friends asking something like, “Have you tried the apples-and-milk diet you’re supposed to be on like I told you?” When I say I haven’t, they shake their heads and dismiss me. “Well, if you’re not going to do what you’re supposed to, I can’t help you.”
Sigh.
Don’t get me wrong, for I appreciate the concern. But, I have yet to stumble upon what I am really supposed to do, or I would be feeling a lot better when it comes to these health issues.
I think in this example lies the whole tone. Nobody really knows what you’re supposed to do but you; this is true in almost all cases. Because “supposed to” comes from deep inside. It shouldn’t be the result of a vote or popular opinion. It’s about you, and your job is knowing yourself well enough to drill down and decipher what you really are supposed to do in enlightening yourself enough to live a life with satisfaction.
Drilling It Down
Now stay with me here because this is good stuff and can really save you years of inconvenience. I mean, I’m not telling you what you’re supposed to do here, but I’d like to SUGGEST you pay attention (wink, wink).
Find a place in which you can concentrate best (while driving, cutting grass, sitting in church, whatever most closely resembles your quiet, thinking place). Ask yourself these few simple questions; I suggest just thinking about the answers so that when you DO write things down later, the most important ones will stick in your mind more strongly.
What is important to me (and I mean everything: what kind of music, art, jobs, and personality traits, like honesty, loyalty, and trust)? Once you have a list, rank them in order of importance. It is key to know your life direction when the same answers keep popping up in your list of priorities. For example, if honesty and integrity are critical for you to respect a supervisor, a job with a dishonest boss should be turned down immediately.
At the end of my career, what will my life look like? Do I own and live in a big house, or am I renting a small apartment but still find myself very happy since I’m not materialistic? Will I likely be married or single? Am I happier alone or do I need constant companionship? Of the people I know, whose life looks the closest to where I would like to be someday? This ensures the target is well in focus and keeps you on track.
How important are the people around me? Include significant others, parents, siblings, friends, other family, etc. Would I care if they didn’t live nearby? Would they care if I didn’t? Do I value family time, and do I seek out the company of relatives during the holidays and on special occasions? Am I really a loner or do I secretly need the support of others when I’m making decisions, etc.?
I believe these three simple questions will help you zero in on what you are supposed to do because they will help you identify who you really are. If you know what’s important and where you think you are heading, the only remaining question will be who you want to be surrounded by, if you want to be surrounded at all. With that information, you can tell anyone who suggests what you’re supposed to do that you appreciate their suggestions, but you have a good grip on what works best for you. Thanks, anyway.
Ron Ciancutti worked in the parks and recreation industry since he was 16 years old, covering everything from maintenance, operations, engineering, surveying, park management, design, planning, recreation, and finance. He is now retired. He holds a B.S. in Business from Bowling Green State University and an M.B.A. from Baldwin Wallace University. He is not on Facebook, but he can be reached at ron@northstarpubs.com.