Speaking Of Loose Lips
Be careful what you say or pay the price
By Ron Ciancutti
When you think about it, some really serious statements are used rather loosely:
Photo: © Can Stock Photo / aaronamat
• I could kill that guy.
• That’s the worst I’ve ever seen.
• I’ll be praying for you.
• I’ll never speak to you again.
• If I walk out that door, I’m never coming back.
• This cannot be forgiven.
I’ll bet most people can remember using one or more of these sayings in the heat of an argument and later regretting being so severe, but never taking them back or apologizing. And they probably should have. The words were probably only scratching the surface; there was more there than the simple words.
When I observe people, I have a habit of listening for what they don’t say, what lies beneath the words. And most of the time, I discern a little, insecure voice that is looking for a signal from the listener that says, “Hey, you’re pretty smart.” Most want acknowledgment that reassures their message is clear, understood, and appreciated.
This desperation for words to be respected seems to increase with age. As people age, their opinions are often marginalized, and they tend to start each sentence with an angry, “You kids today don’t know, don’t appreciate, don’t listen.” They are begging for the credibility they once had but no longer do. I’m only 58 and can already see my grandsons glaze over when I start talking about my “robust investment portfolio of the 1980s.”
Sure, it’s part of the natural progression of life, but it doesn’t make it any more attractive. Losing credibility is a painful and disheartening thing.
Careless Contemplation
A friend in his mid-sixties was contemplating retirement for several months. Now, it seems to me that once a person begins to really think about retiring, the job becomes more of a chore. This guy proved that. I measured it in his conversation. Whenever he talked about “work,” he always mentioned his lack of trust in “the new kids” and how the quality was slipping. He resisted the computerization of work and constantly complained to management about inefficiencies he observed. He didn’t have any solutions; he just pointed out the problems.
Citing my years of managing people, I tried to warn him that an employer doesn’t like to hear only complaints and he should come equipped with solutions. I also told him that he shouldn’t be using a pending retirement as some sort of threat. “One day when I’m gone, you’ll see.” That only gives management an excuse to say, “Well, maybe he should go now since he’s leaving anyway.” But despite my interjections, he began to complain about his shrinking benefit package, which was better than most, but less than it had once been.
As I expected, management called him one evening and said he could keep the same pay and benefits, but he would have to work more hours. When he refused this offer, he was let go. He had the nerve to look surprised. But he forced his employer’s hand. Further, the aging process forced his. When he saw he was no longer being heard or appreciated, he acted out and pushed himself right out of a job.
In the days that followed, I watched him run the gamut of emotions from denial to acceptance. As he finally settled into his reality, some understanding washed over him. With the ability to step back and see the situation as a whole, he came to believe it was, indeed, his fault. “I see that I gave them no choice; they had to fire me.”
Believe it or not, this ability to finally be frank with himself was what served him best going into a new career and finding satisfaction in it. Instead of resisting the new trends, he strove to understand and accept them. He became more willing, more cooperative, more participatory, and understood he had the power to make things different by improving what was beneath the words. He began to measure them more carefully, and it paid immediate dividends.
Barking And Biting Words
So, accept that words may make one appear insecure, and the inability to choose words more carefully may expose feelings that weren’t meant to be exhibited. But what about when someone “over-speaks?”
• You broke my heart, and it will never be the same.
• I’ll never trust you again.
• The new one will never be as good as the old one.
• The guy here before you could never be replaced.
• You have no idea what you are doing.
Wow! Now those are some hurting, long-lasting words intended to deliver a knockout punch to the intended listener. Is it really necessary to bring a gun to a knife fight? Overkill and over-speak can certainly dramatize a point, but look at the carnage left in their wake.
First of all, melodramatic lines make for the best gossip, and those who talk that way will likely find their words will not only be repeated but their NAME will be attached to the rumor. The sentence, “Harry said the new guy doesn’t even have a diploma,” becomes “Hi, Harry, I’m the new guy. I understand you want to see my diploma.” Hello, awkward.
When a situation like this happens, you can bet that your reputation is on the line, and people will not trust you in the future. It’s not much better than the painful, hidden words in the first example.
Be responsible for your words. Avoid statements that cause people to react and question your honesty. Once you are identified as a melodramatic “over-speaker,” you will acquire a reputation like that of the boy who cried wolf. You certainly want to avoid that. Think before you speak.
Ron Ciancutti worked in the parks and recreation industry since he was 16 years old, covering everything from maintenance, operations, engineering, surveying, park management, design, planning, recreation, and finance. He is now retired. He holds a B.S. in Business from Bowling Green State University and an M.B.A. from Baldwin Wallace University. He is not on Facebook, but he can be reached at ron@northstarpubs.com.